In sickness ...

When I was single and living alone, one of the things that made me feel the loneliest was getting sick.  There were a few times when some random illness left me feeling so crappy that I could barely make it out of bed to take care of myself. On a few of those times I manage to have full blown pity parties and wonder what I would do if I ever had a serious illness and lived on my own.

I should have focused more on “serious illness” and not so much on the “on my own” part.  I have never really been on my own.  I have always had family and close friends that I can depend on.  Unfortunately, single or married makes no difference when you are dealing with health issues.  They happen, they are scary, and you might even feel like you are walking thru a fog. 

Well I no longer wonder because it happened.  Illness serious enough to scare me, make me think of my mortality and totally piss me off.  Dealing with doctors, test and procedures was scary. Worrying about test results and thinking I may not have much time really pissed me off.  All those years of not settling and hoping that perhaps there was a right man for me somewhere (like grandma used to say) and feeling cheated if things took us in the worst direction. That really made me angry.  I hung on to anger like a floating device because I felt myself sinking.  It is now mostly a nightmare I put to bed, but the fear never goes away. Neither does sorrow.

We did a bit of hopping between cities a couple of years ago. Moved back to San Antonio only to relocate a year later to the Austin area.  During that time problems arose that all women dread and for about 6 months I was making frequent visits to my OBGYN. I have an incredible partner in my husband, and he behaved and cared for me the precise way I needed him to.  He held me together and helped me stay positive.  Sometimes he just held me.  The aftermath was that our last hope of having biological children of our own was finally lost.  The decision was made for us, though I had told myself if we hadn’t conceived by then it most likely wasn’t going to happen. 

I had to have a partial hysterectomy and I am healthy now.  I grieved for so many things but have been determined to stay positive.  We could adopt, foster or just be a house hold of two.  So far, we are enough for each other.  I am thankful I can continue to hang around and enjoy the marriage that we've built.

Thru all the chaos we stayed positive. We gambled/had faith (whatever you want to call it) that we would get thru it and bought our first house together as well as made the move to the Austin area.  Yeah, thru some good days and some bad days we house hunted, scheduled surgery, time off to recover and moved. 

Dealing with illness was a very scary time.  I had never stayed overnight at a hospital.  I had never had major surgery. I had never felt so embarrassed!  I am private about certain things but for the most part never squeamish with topics that most people would rather avoid.  However, sharing with my immediate family the reasons why I was having surgery was somehow painful.  I even considered not letting anyone know, but if something went horribly wrong my honey would be the one facing my family. Not a very fair thing to do.

I want to tell you that the whole ordeal left me feeling closer to my husband than all the years we had been together.  My married girlfriends told me many times that having children usually brought a couple closer and that you lost all shame with your partner.  Specifically, being able to use the bathroom with the other present. (Squirming) I have never understood how urinating/defecating in front of your partner makes you closer.  Nope, nope, nope!

I will never know the level of intimacy that is procreating with your partner, but the intimacy and vulnerability of dealing with illness. No prize (child) at the end of such a messy ordeal.  No other result but to get to stick around a little longer with each other until God/Fate decides it. 

Anyways, the honey and I are still private about our bathroom time although I confess that I insisted he close his eyes while he helped me on and off the potty while in the hospital.  My choices had been his help if a nurse could not show up soon enough to get me in the bathroom or a bed pan.  I hope you understand my choice.

I am very fortunate to have a caring partner.  His love and patience with me is beyond what I ever imagined a man I could call my husband would possess.  I think I have used up any sick points allotted for the first few years of marriage. Three months after my surgery I had an unscheduled hospital visit for a compound fracture. That was such a breeze in comparison that I insisted my husband not follow me directly to the hospital but stop and get himself some lunch first.  No need for both to suffer with hospital food.