We have been married for over 3 years and I love to say that we've enjoyed ourselves "honeymooning" all this time. Never having been married before (Me; it's my honey's second time at the rodeo) I chose not to be a single parent and spent years doing "everything under the sun" to avoid a pregnancy.
Once I realized I wanted to share the rest of my life with my honey, the desire to start a family was a major thing we both agreed on. I confess I have feared taking a STEP I can't take back. Parenthood isn't something to be taken lightly. Every month I have been relieved as well as disappointed not to be pregnant. I also confess to not having been as proactive about getting pregnant as I was about not getting pregnant (in my single years).
I have been shamelessly blaming God! I am a "Christian" and believe children are God's blessing, but I also believe in the saying "God helps those who help themselves". I haven't helped myself! We've been only going about it the "old fashioned way".
When my honey and I moved in together, we knew it wasn't just shaking up. We had discussed marriage already. I asked my honey to please let me enjoy all the facets of a relationship. I wanted to be a girlfriend and a fiance (and not rush in to marriage). I wanted adequate time to make sure we were making the right choice "for the rest of our lives".
In my mind I never had the picture that so many women have of "My Wedding Day". I lacked that gene, because I was totally clueless when it came to planning a wedding. If it wasn't for my girlfriends who stirred me in to the right direction often lighting a fire under me to get all different arrangements done for an intimate wedding ceremony I would have probably taken the easy road and gotten married at the courthouse. (To my Honey; please no comments about how much money & stress we could have saved!)
Anyways, for me.. the idea/dream of "getting married" was a timeline progression in a relationship. Meeting, being exclusive, trial period, getting married, two or three years making sure we didn't make a mistake and having some "alone" time before bringing in a third party (meaning babies, third parties have always been non-negotiable!).
We've been having fun all along, and despite the occasional heart felt disappointment of "not yet" getting pregnant, it's been mostly when another girlfriend is expecting. I haven't been to anxious about taking advantage of all the "help" available these days. I haven't consulted a fertility doctor about why "we" haven't gotten pregnant. I've been told extra weight sometimes does not help, yet I have been doing very little there too!
My best friend has had "the talk" with me several times. We need to make a decision! Time isn't just ticking, we are in overtime! May be it's because "we don't feel our age", and we are so young at heart that the concept of time running out hadn't been real! There is also indecision, when I AM feeling old (not enough sleep, too much work, or occasional back pain) I ask myself if I REALLY want to take on running around after a kiddo at 40 something.
Well, it became real to me a couple of months back. We were having dinner with another couple, friends of mine for many years when my girlfriend mentioned they had wanted to start a family but she had been diagnosed as pre-menopausal. That funky tunnel feeling you watch in some movies took over me! I am almost 3 years older than she is!! Needless to say I could not fully concentrate on the rest of the evening. Regret for taking "my time" and not making a decision landed heavily on me.
I've known (and I don't mean WE here at all) that I do not want to get on some hormone program to conceive. The thought scares me! I am afraid to mutate in to an emotionally unstable witch that will most likely achieve pregnancy as well as push her partner to run away for dear life. I already have a temper and often wonder how my honey has not locked me in a closet sometimes when I am PMSing.
We known that we have too much debt right now and no money for expensive treatments. I also believe that getting in debt to fulfill the desire to have a baby may result in to not being able to provide later for that wanted offspring. On top of that, fertility treatments usually result in multiple births or the dilemma of what to do with unfertilized eggs. I am pro-choice, but admit MY choice would never be to terminate a life.
So I waste time thinking of all the possibilities and hoping that God/Fate will make the decision for me. I do know that the bigger regret of not having children would be my husband missing out on being a "dad". I think he would be an excellent parent.
I feel extremely blessed/lucky to have found my mate (especially when I had resigned myself to not ever finding him) and sometimes I think it a bit greedy wanting the happy family as well.