In sickness ...

When I was single and living alone, one of the things that made me feel the loneliest was getting sick.  There were a few times when some random illness left me feeling so crappy that I could barely make it out of bed to take care of myself. On a few of those times I manage to have full blown pity parties and wonder what I would do if I ever had a serious illness and lived on my own.

I should have focused more on “serious illness” and not so much on the “on my own” part.  I have never really been on my own.  I have always had family and close friends that I can depend on.  Unfortunately, single or married makes no difference when you are dealing with health issues.  They happen, they are scary, and you might even feel like you are walking thru a fog. 

Well I no longer wonder because it happened.  Illness serious enough to scare me, make me think of my mortality and totally piss me off.  Dealing with doctors, test and procedures was scary. Worrying about test results and thinking I may not have much time really pissed me off.  All those years of not settling and hoping that perhaps there was a right man for me somewhere (like grandma used to say) and feeling cheated if things took us in the worst direction. That really made me angry.  I hung on to anger like a floating device because I felt myself sinking.  It is now mostly a nightmare I put to bed, but the fear never goes away. Neither does sorrow.

We did a bit of hopping between cities a couple of years ago. Moved back to San Antonio only to relocate a year later to the Austin area.  During that time problems arose that all women dread and for about 6 months I was making frequent visits to my OBGYN. I have an incredible partner in my husband, and he behaved and cared for me the precise way I needed him to.  He held me together and helped me stay positive.  Sometimes he just held me.  The aftermath was that our last hope of having biological children of our own was finally lost.  The decision was made for us, though I had told myself if we hadn’t conceived by then it most likely wasn’t going to happen. 

I had to have a partial hysterectomy and I am healthy now.  I grieved for so many things but have been determined to stay positive.  We could adopt, foster or just be a house hold of two.  So far, we are enough for each other.  I am thankful I can continue to hang around and enjoy the marriage that we've built.

Thru all the chaos we stayed positive. We gambled/had faith (whatever you want to call it) that we would get thru it and bought our first house together as well as made the move to the Austin area.  Yeah, thru some good days and some bad days we house hunted, scheduled surgery, time off to recover and moved. 

Dealing with illness was a very scary time.  I had never stayed overnight at a hospital.  I had never had major surgery. I had never felt so embarrassed!  I am private about certain things but for the most part never squeamish with topics that most people would rather avoid.  However, sharing with my immediate family the reasons why I was having surgery was somehow painful.  I even considered not letting anyone know, but if something went horribly wrong my honey would be the one facing my family. Not a very fair thing to do.

I want to tell you that the whole ordeal left me feeling closer to my husband than all the years we had been together.  My married girlfriends told me many times that having children usually brought a couple closer and that you lost all shame with your partner.  Specifically, being able to use the bathroom with the other present. (Squirming) I have never understood how urinating/defecating in front of your partner makes you closer.  Nope, nope, nope!

I will never know the level of intimacy that is procreating with your partner, but the intimacy and vulnerability of dealing with illness. No prize (child) at the end of such a messy ordeal.  No other result but to get to stick around a little longer with each other until God/Fate decides it. 

Anyways, the honey and I are still private about our bathroom time although I confess that I insisted he close his eyes while he helped me on and off the potty while in the hospital.  My choices had been his help if a nurse could not show up soon enough to get me in the bathroom or a bed pan.  I hope you understand my choice.

I am very fortunate to have a caring partner.  His love and patience with me is beyond what I ever imagined a man I could call my husband would possess.  I think I have used up any sick points allotted for the first few years of marriage. Three months after my surgery I had an unscheduled hospital visit for a compound fracture. That was such a breeze in comparison that I insisted my husband not follow me directly to the hospital but stop and get himself some lunch first.  No need for both to suffer with hospital food.

Writing sabbatical; had several distractions

It has been a long sabbatical taken from blogging. A series of events pulled me away, even though I've had the time to blog. Reconciling my desire to write for pleasure and writing as a tool to cope with some challenges took a while. My amazing husband encouraged me to get back into it. So here I am again.  Sharing the ups and downs of a not-so-youngish marriage.

Feliz dia de las Madres (2017)

 

(Happy Mother’s Day)

In honor of my Mexican heritage which celebrates Mother’s Day on the 10^th of May I would like to wish everyone a Happy Mother’s Day.

I have been blessed to have been raised by an incredible woman who had to be both mother and father to me and my siblings.  My dad’s passing forced her to take on life with 3 children.  I think she did an amazing job as a parent.  

My heart is full of gratitude for having the privilege of having a friend in my mom. Though growing up with an old fashioned and strict parent was difficult, as an adult I have realized more than once that I am fortunate beyond words.

Early in the year my maternal grandmother passed and this day is especially difficult.  Another great woman whose hardships never stopped her from guiding and loving her children, her grandchildren and other family.

To my friends and family, especially “My two Fridas” Happy Mother’s Day”.

Smartass Conversations 2/22/15

Sunday morning my Honey and I were driving around town running some errands when I thought I'd discuss an idea that's been bouncing around in my head.

ME: Babe... how would you feel if I got another tattoo? (I have one that I got on my 30th birthday)
THE HONEY: Where? (He has none)
ME: I don't know, probably add to the one I have. (ME THINKING: So it's no longer referred to as a tramp stamp)
THE HONEY: Are you going to tattoo my name?
ME: My second husband would probably not like it. (Grin)
THE HONEY: I expect you to be a grieving widow and never marry again; maybe join a convent.
ME: The only way I'd join a convent is if it was the name of a rock band.
THE HONEY: You'll wear black for the rest of your life?
ME: Black INK!
THE HONEY: I thought you were gonna throw yourself on my funeral pyre!
ME: (Eyes rolling) NOPE! I've told you THAT AIN'T HAPPENING!

Happy New Year 2015 - (Quick recap of 2014)

I am the forever optimist, and gratitude is a trait instilled in me from childhood that wasn't easy to grasp in my younger years, but life had  a way to show me with examples.  I am grateful for the past year!  It was full of good moments and the bad ones not big enough to recall easily.  I am truly grateful for the past months and looking forward to this new year.

Things happen for a reason, and moving back to San Antonio has had us close to loved ones during important moments.  We were able to attend my nephew's football games when living a few towns over made it difficult to share in watching him grow up.  By the way, the kid recently turned 13 and is 6 foot-plus!

Nephew is tallest kid in his team.

My concern about moving in with my mother was understandable, but thankfully things have worked out better than I could have ever imagined.  The arrangement is still "temporary", but I am happy that it has been beneficial to all in more ways than one.  I am glad we were around to support mom during a brief health scare, but thankfully all is well.

Concert t-shirt worn at 2014's Rock n Roll marathon

In 2014 we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.  Fate managed to arrange that one of our favorite local singers, Robert Earl Keen--who we saw perform on our third date, play on our wedding anniversary. My honey planned a wonderful weekend around it.

The honey ran his 4th full marathon, shaving about 12 minutes from his time the prior year, and he got a kick out of attracting the attention of Mrs. Keen (who also ran the San Antonio Rock n Roll marathon) with the REK t-shirt he wore to the race.

Every now and then my honey manages to scare me with some minor injury that triggers a flood of emotions.

When you've experienced loss at an early age you tend to overreact a bit, but I try to make light of it on the outside and not let it out of control, This year we did a little four-wheeling over Thanksgiving and my love had a mishap that almost catapulted him over the handle bars.  Not a big deal, expect I watched it up close and in slow motion. It was nothing a few cold beers and ice couldn't cure, though the after math did leave huge bruising on his thigh and torso.  I am grateful we ended the year in one piece!

Ambidextrous.  Balancing ice on one hand while drinking beer with the other.

So the past year was a good one and I am hopeful 2015 will be even better.  May your new year be full of wonderful surprises and hopefully no injuries.

And the move goes on

We are in between residences.  I can't begin to tell you how painful it is to have to purge thru our belongings.  It is especially painful for two procrastinators who keep putting things off.

All I can say is "I can't wait until August" when the move will be complete one way or another. We have been throwing out things we didn't realize we were hording. Like 12 or more half-empty bottles of shampoo and conditioner.  Another dozen or so containers of some type of sunscreen.  Makeup; enough to stock up a store's makeup counter and some diffuser attachments to hair dryers that died and were replaced years ago. This alone came out from our master and guest bathroom cabinets.

The hardest part has been deciding what to sell or donate.  We keep having the same discussions of why much of "my honey's stuff" (things he owned before we married) are being purged and have been disposed of over the years as to "my stuff" (things I acquired before we met) that are being kept! One simple reason.  "My stuff" isn't junk!  (Note: we have learned to call it all "our"stuff except when we are campaigning to keep or dispose of something.)  I took the time and had the discipline to save for the best quality I could afford.  My honey, well ...  He is a guy (though I know it is offensive to stereotype).  His furniture was functional and that is about the most positive thing I can say!

There are things I owned before him that aren't making the cut, but it is definitely noticeable how very little of his furniture will be coming along with us.  Yes, we've been together a few years but not long enough not to remember who owned what.  Actually there aren't many pieces of furniture we've purchased since we've been together.  We've mostly invested in upgrading electronics.

Anyways, "The Great Summer Migration of 2014" goes on.  I ask that you send us some "good ju-ju" or if you are the praying type a big prayer to help us survive it.

Moving back “home”

After 5 years of living in a town 35 miles north of San Antonio we are finally moving back home (to San Antonio).  It is not exactly what I had hoped for, but I trust that everything happens for a reason and “in God’s time”.

We have been living and both working in different cities hoping to lay roots once we managed to move back or a job opportunity took us further away.  I don’t really know why it always felt like a temporary living situation, but the years sure flew by fast. 

It happened that the house we have been leasing was put on the market and since we weren't interested in buying this particular home we had to start looking for a place to move.  At the same time my mother who had been living alone for just a short time (since my sister got engaged and decided to re-marry) was having a difficult time getting accustomed again to an empty house.  On top of that, right before retirement, my mother’s workplace went thru some changes and that turned out to be a change in her income.  So, “in God’s time” the chance to move back to San Antonio came our way.  We will be moving in with my mother.  (Pause for all those screaming at the thought of moving back in with their parents.)

So it isn't the ideal move, but it will be a chance to help my mom and help ourselves.  We will be able to save a bit while my honey tries to switch jobs and hopefully find another job in San Antonio or a better opportunity takes us elsewhere.  Mom won’t be so lonely, will get some financial relief and will have a chance to see if she could live with us “in her old age”.

It may be strange to some, but in my family the thought of our mother (our only parent – Dad passed when I was 9) living alone at an age when things may start becoming difficult for her is horrific. My brother and I both have told her time and time again that we want her to move in with either one of us when she is ready. It is something I informed/discussed with my honey long before we considered marriage. The timing couldn't have been planned better.  Concern over my mom had made my brother begun considering the option to get a bigger house or renting his current home and move his family into mom’s place since there is more room.  The hesitation was my nephew would be in a different school district.

Anyway, things are working out without any obstacles.  I am very fortunate my honey actually likes my mother, and she thinks he is a great guy and wonderful son-in-law. We’ll see how things go; in the meantime there is purging and packing ahead of us.