Time off to consider

I knew this blog would have to evolve.  I actually ran out of things to say and life has been happily passing by.  I didn't want my post to become meaningless blabber..  For a moment I even considered posting a recipe just to post something.  After almost 5 years of marriage (thought this blog is much younger) the "novelty" of being married vanished.  What our lives have become are a real marriage!  A marriage with ups and downs, casual memories and difficult decisions.  It has been eyeopening!  How far we've come along.  How blessed we are to have grown in to a partnership, a team..

I intend for my writing to be about a couple in their forties.  The challenges, the future and most of all the simple joy of loving your mate.

Thankful for the holiday season

Happy holidays!  Hope this season has been good to you! I am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside after these past weeks.

First we were blessed to have been able to host our very first "Friendsgiving" in November.  A group of friends (total of 11 adults ) sat at our table being thankful for so many things, but especially having each other in our lives.  It was a pot luck dinner which made it easier than our usual Thanksgiving celebrations. 

I had no idea there was such a thing as "Friendsgiving", but I found an e-vite format that tells me this concept has been around for a bit! 

Of all the things I am thankful for, I am most thankful for the friends who share my joys and allow me to lean on them thru my struggles!

Don't ask me how but somehow we managed to put up our Christmas tree on December first!  We also sent out all of our Christmas cards the first half of the month, and being that last year we didn't send out any and the year before we sent them out right before the new year I am feeling very accomplished! The honey also managed to put up lights on the house without any injuries! 

Anyways, this year a good friend invited us to spread some holiday cheer in downtown San Antonio (TX) and I have to say it was the best time I've had at Christmas time since I was in high school when the choir would go caroling on the Riverwalk. (a mighty long time ago!)

We dressed very festive (a few of us in costume)  to hand out candy and toys to all we ran in to.  The smiles on children not expecting to get "Elved" (Santa's elves were running amok) was priceless.  Our friend was very much prepared with the loot to give away because he even had a few very warm pieces (scarfs, gloves, and hats) for the less fortunate living on the street.

This holiday season I attempted my usual baking, but this year the results were right down pathetic. I baked on three different days and each time I managed to burn cookies.  It is the horrible to be stuck with 7 dozen cookies that aren't good enough to wrap up and give away and not burnt enough to toss out!   There was only one batch of cookies that were half decent.  My first try at baking gingerbread men or rather "ninja-bread" men: solely attempted for  my 8 year old neighbor who is a cool little kid in martial arts (Brazilian Jujitsu) and I very much encourage girls to kick butt.

So the year will soon wrap up; I sit on my couch admiring our Christmas tree loving the new ornament additions. I am glad I found an ornament that "my nerd" would think was cool.

I am also glad my honey insisted on buying me a tree ornament in the middle of July while on vacation this year.

I am hopeful the new year will bring wonderful things to us, and I wish the same to you all.  May you make wonderful memories in 2014

Armed

I've been in a constant state of grief ever since my honey decided to act on his constitutional right to bear arms.  With the tragic deaths in Texas this year where court officers were shot my honey felt it necessary to acquire a gun.  I have mixed feelings on the subject.  My family has a history of being in law enforcement so I am not totally unfamiliar with firearms. 

Obtaining a Concealed Handgun License was encouraged at my honey's job and so without hesitation he filled out all the forms, and signed up for the class, but not before running to buy one more pistol (the thought never crossed his mind to discuss the purchase with his spouse)!  He took the class, applied for a license and shortly after; "Ta-Dah", he started leaving home armed! 

Now I don't want this post to be about the pros and cons of guns.  To each their own minds, conscience and civil duty to vote for or against laws in their own state!

My worry is knowing my husband is out and about armed! And when I say out and about I don't mean at work: where security could always be improved.  I mean he takes it just about everywhere!! This really stresses me. I see my husband as someone who could handle himself, but my number one fear is of him being disarmed and having his piece used against him.

Like I said, I am not uncomfortable being around firearms.  My brother is a police officer and I see him armed on and off duty.  I believe it's the fact that IT IS MY BROTHER'S JOB to carry.  I know him to religiously go to target practice and to have the respect firearms deserve. It is HIS JOB to be knowledgeable and proficient with firearms!

My honey tells me he grew up around guns.  Heck, my father in law has given both his sons some type of gun as gifts.  The thing is that it was several years into our relationship before we discussed having a gun in our home and before then I never considered seeing my husband in that light!  I knew my honey to be more of an "egg-head".  A smart man, full of logic and knowledge but never a gun carrying guy. In all the time I've known him he's never been hunting, as to say he is a hunter and therefor is familiar with guns.

He is also not ex-military, and he is definitely not one of those doomsday survivalists.  I know my worrying may make my husband feel like I think him incompetent when it comes to carrying an arm.  That is not the case.  My true grief is now seeing my husband as a possible target.  You see, I grew up without a father. My dad was in law enforcement and died in the line of duty.  Those are the dreaded words "Line of Duty". 

I saw my mother lose a husband whose job was putting himself on the line every single day! Now my mother will say that she married a "regular Joe"-- she never dreamed he would enter law enforcement after they got married.  She lived in a constant fear of him not coming home, and in the end one day he didn't. 

I had felt relieved that I didn't have to worry every single day like my mom did since I did not marry a cop, but suddenly now I do!  Seeing my honey carrying a gun on him only makes me imagine the worst scenarios and it stresses me! I know with the recent shootings this week some might think I should feel some relief knowing my husband is not unprotected and may have better odds if fate brought violence to his feet but it doesn't.  The truth is my fear is of losing my loved one and him carrying a gun only makes the possibility more real to me.

We will most likely continue to be a nation divided by our gun laws, but my heart and prayers go out to those who've been recently touched by these latest tragedies.

Relationship baggage..

At twenty-something, and more so at forty-something, most single people come with relationship baggage!  For most is the fear that your current love will reveal some of the worst characteristics of your last love...  immature, irresponsible, unfaithful, (insert here your own nightmare)! 

Sometimes the baggage is high expectations.  For example, someone I know remarried and expected her new husband to be equally generous and romantic as her deceased first husband which left her in a constant state of disappointment.  Either way, good or bad expectations are hard to shake and can sabotage a relationship. 

In our marriage, the worst baggage we carried were material things acquired in past relationships.  For us the biggest one was the house my husband was awarded after his divorce.  The house is in a different city, and for a while the possibility of living in it was there, which made every cell in my body convulse. I am glad we never did move there, but dealing with renters, realtors trying to sell the house, and a mortgage for a home we did not live in was definitely strenuous in our marriage!

Another example  of  our "material baggage" were our beds. When we decided to move in together, my honey's lease on his apartment expired first so all his furniture went in to storage and he moved in to my apartment. Some months later my lease expired and we were able to move in to a home large enough to merge all our possessions. It was then when we faced the decision of which bed we would use in the master bedroom (with plans for a wedding it wasn't reasonable to make the expense). Call me irrational but refusing to make a bed my husband "came with" that might have been his marital bed (I'd never want to know - la-la-la.  Fingers in ears) "OUR bed" was something that I would not budge on.  My honey tried "reasoning" and argued that he could make the same argument about "my bed".  Here is where I saw the difference!  My bed was MINE and mine alone! It wasn't purchased with anyone else, it had never been a bed for no one else than me!  Sure it had been shared but no one had "co-owned" it with me!  I don't want to say I won that argument, but it was my furniture that made it in to the master bedroom.

Not long after we married and again the beds came up. The honey suggested we swap the mattress from our master bedroom with one from the spare bedrooms (which came with him) while we saved to replace our entire bedroom suite. I admit they were more comfortable but Nope! That wasn't going to happen!  His argument was that I had not had a problem sleeping on them when I would stay at his apartment before we lived together.  That was true; I  had no problem then.  I told him I didn't care then because at the time I didn't know how our romance would turn out. 

Out of curiosity (not needing support) I asked some of my girlfriends how they would feel if they were in my shoes..  They all understood my point. One even suggested it may be a female thing, but only because her ex-husband #2 didn't mind moving in to the house or the bed left behind by ex-husband #1.  I have to disagree there and point out it may be the character of ex-husband #2 which may be also why he is an ex-husband.

Anyways, as far as I am concerned we ended up with the less "evil" type of baggage.  No police record, unmanageable debts,  traumatic memories,  lingering exes or other type of things haunting us. I know we were lucky to be pretty "damage free" folk when we met, and I am glad falling in love didn't come at a price...  Ok, maybe the price for me was waiting longer than average for the right man. 

A funny thing about QUIET

Our home is strangely quiet.  Strangely, because we both grew up in households where yelling (for good or bad reasons) was the norm.

In my childhood home, there was only one parent and three kids.  My mom had to do a lot of yelling to stay on top of 3 very loud and headstrong children.

She would yell to call us to sit for a meal, she would yell to keep us from fighting each other, she would yell to get us to move from whatever part of the house we were in to where she was.  I never really noticed how much yelling there was involved until I lived a few months with an aunt and her family.  There was no yelling there!  I figured because there was only one child in the house (my cousin) there was very little high volume (noise).

It wasn't until one of my good friends had children and I saw how she interacted with her kids that I realized the number of children does not determine the noise volume in the house.

Since I lived alone for many years before my honey and I met there was no yelling (no one to yell at) in my home.  When we began to live together there was only one special request from my honey.  Yep, no yelling.  In a small apartment it would take little effort to walk across and speak to one another.  It took some getting used to.  I found it unbelievably difficult not to give a quick holler to get his attention and NOT HAVE TO walk ALL THE WAY OVER to say something.  Ok, it was more than difficult.  It was right down a pain in the butt!

It took time to get used to, but now I appreciate it very much.  I have actually thought about how loud other people's homes are.  I have seen members of my family carry on with that yelling habit and honestly, it makes me very uncomfortable witnessing it.  I never know if they are irritated at one another or they are just LOUD!

So for now we enjoy a "quiet life" where the only things loud in the house are my honey occasional  blasting Rush (or some other classic band) in the stereo or my blasting of the T.V. trying to listen to the morning news while I am drying my hair in the bathroom.. 

Making some "ME" time..

 I know it seems like I've fallen off the face of the earth with little to no posts lately.  I've been entertained with old interests and there is only so much time to do all the things I want.

I have had the good fortune of having an old friend move back to town recently. He is a well seasoned musician and is now giving me private drum lessons. 

He seems to think I want a new career because he's been telling me that in no time I will be able to "get some gigs" (got to love the lingo) subbing for local bands.  My friend is in his 60's and looks like a salt & pepper version of "Animal" from the Muppet's.

I have no delusions of becoming a paid musician/drummer.  The drum lessons I have taken in the past (in a class of 5 or 6 students) have all been to have fun.   I strive to soon feel capable/confident enough to sign up at "open jam night" and play my part on a song or two.  I am finding out that I haven't had enough instruction, and my bad technique is due to little supervision in learning in a group class. 

Drumming is something I took up before I married, and thought I haven't exactly kept up with it these past couple of years (my drums have spent more time neglected in our office than taking licks!)  my honey has always been very supportive.

Anyways, lately I've had the opportunity to spend more of my free time with my two best friends. In early May I took a long weekend to the beach with the girls.  We used to have a "Girls weekend getaway" every year, but marriage, kids, divorce and other responsibilities has made it hard for our usual little group to gather.

I am lucky that my honey is understanding of my need to bond with my girl friends.  He's never been jealous or stood in the way of my friendships like it some times happens in relationships.   He does sometimes pretends to lay a guilt trip by playing poor me!  "All alone... Unsupervised!"

It's been nice to have gone back to making time for ME.  I really can't say that I resent work, marriage, home or family that absorb my waking moments.  Somehow I noticed I had a long list of things to do and few items of things I WANTED TO DO so it was time stop trying to stretch hours in the day and just schedule some "fun time". I am very fortunate that there wasn't a tragedy shaking me up to prioritize!!

So we've been enjoying some simple pleasures: hanging out some nights on the driveway with a group of neighbors (next time I am making Mojitos), catching a few matiness on the latest movie releases, have gone back to cooking and eating more meals together during the week, even managed to squeeze in reading a book or two (I am on a "classics" kick and for the first time have read EMMA and DRACULA).

Now I just have to schedule some time to write & read blogs on a "regular" basis while we share one lap top.  The honey's dinosaur of a laptop expired a few weeks ago, and we've agreed to research our purchase and wait for a good deal.  I know one of us can always use our "almost forgotten" desk top, but neither likes to actually work in our office.

Anyways, I hope your Summer has been festive.. 

Late news... a new "Bride to be"

Sometimes it's difficult to gather all of the family, ok not all but the "immediate family" (who live within a 1 or 2 hour drive) for the holidays.  This last Easter the turnout was great and it coincided with an unexpected surprise.

My young 20 year old cousin (daughter to my youngest uncle) got engaged over the Easter weekend.  We didn't see it coming.  I guess it's her young age and the fact that she could actually be my own child that makes me think of her as a little girl. 

I am excited and happy for her!  It is rare these days to see a young couple who want to marry and spend the rest of their lives together without any "obligations" stirring them thru that path. Marriages are happening when the couples are a little older. I can't say that I envy her, but I do wish I had been that lucky.  To have found my companion in my younger years... (only because I wish we could have shared more of our lives' experiences)

My honey has told me countless times how he wished we would have met when we were younger.  My response to his wish (and mine occasionally) has always been that I am pretty certain we might not have appreciated each other as much had we not lived the previous lives we lived apart. 

Until this wedding anouncement I never felt so much emotion and regret for not having found my love earlier.  All I can tell myself is "I didn't settle", and every day of my married life I have been certain I married the "The Right Man".

I am thrilled that my cousin will be traveling her life path with love at her side.  I wish her the best!  The lovebirds are young, but they are mature in their thinking and have a logical and attainable "game plan".  Their future looks bright and that is what we can hope for our loved ones.

Now, as for my aunt and uncle.  They are pleased with the match.  Their only child is an actual adult, and she will be marring as young as they did themselves. 

Congratulations Miranda & Carlos!