I have leaned at a later age what married women have had to learn long before me. When it comes to asking my husband to do a chore I must be specific and detailed!! Here is an example: On the days we change bed sheets I leaned not to simply ask my husband to strip the bed. To the female mind "strip the bed" means change the sheets as well! So now I not only ask but define exactly what I mean. My husband is now faced with no doubts of what it is being asked of him. Strip the bed has now become; "Honey, please strip the bed, throw the dirty sheets in the washer and put on new sheets". There is no confusion, but lots of moaning and groaning.
Another task that had to be modified in the way it is asked is "take out what's in the dryer". After countless times of multiple loads of clothes crammed in ONE BASKET that would sit in a corner for a couple of days wrinkled beyond hope; I had to change my ways! I now ask: "Honey please take out what's in the dryer, hang or fold AND also put away". The usual moans and groans follow, but this particular task is countered by saying.. "I do exactly ALL those steps when I take care of that chore!" I also remind him about one of my girlfriends refusing to do her husband's laundry (from then on) in retaliation of his lack of participation in that household chore.
The last ever so popular task that had to be modified was "take out the trash". When asked my husband was glad to take out the trash in the kitchen, but never ONCE thought of the other trash in the house. The bedrooms and bathrooms were completely ignored! Now, I am not a total slave driver. This particular task I am more than accommodating to him. Most times before I even ask for the trash to be taken out I go around the house pulling trash bags and replacing them on all the trash containers. I collect them in or by the kitchen trash before I open my mouth. I know my husband hates going around each individual trashcan, so I am willing to meet him half way to get the chore done.
I have mentioned before, we do not have assigned chores at home so I never ask of my husband what I don't already do myself. When it comes to house chores women are like chess players; looking for a 3rd and 4th move ahead. Men, well.. at least my husband. He only focuses on one move/task at a time.
Wedding Photos
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
50th Anniversary
I have a coworker who is celebrating today her 50th wedding anniversary. It is so very uncommon in the age of multiple divorces to witness two who have reached such a major milestone.
Divorce hangs over my head.. Two near and dear to me are going thru the motions right now and it frightens me to see how fragile relationships can be. It took me a decade longer (from the average marrying age for women) to find my mate and I wonder if our odds will be better?
This is my husband's second marriage but I am hoping that my careful choosing of a mate and lack of rushing in to marriage (just because everyone else was getting married) will count towards a better chance of surviving.
Happy Anniversary Barbara & Elmer. May your years ahead be as memorable as your years behind!
Divorce hangs over my head.. Two near and dear to me are going thru the motions right now and it frightens me to see how fragile relationships can be. It took me a decade longer (from the average marrying age for women) to find my mate and I wonder if our odds will be better?
This is my husband's second marriage but I am hoping that my careful choosing of a mate and lack of rushing in to marriage (just because everyone else was getting married) will count towards a better chance of surviving.
Happy Anniversary Barbara & Elmer. May your years ahead be as memorable as your years behind!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Shamed in to action...
My husband fully disclosed early on that he isn't much of a "handyman" when it comes to doing things around the house. It totally shattered my dream to one day buy an older home and restore/remodel it on our own...
I learned how to do a few things around the house. Not from my father, he passed when I was just a little girl, but from my mother.
When I was a little girl my family lived in Mexico. We didn't move back to the states until I was 10 years old. In Mexico labor is cheap. All types of labor. It is a joke, but common knowledge that one does not need to be rich in order to have a maid. They say "Asta la criada tiene criada". Even the maid has a maid.
In Mexico it was rare for someone to do their own home maintenance (I don't know how things are now) , but what was totally unheard of was for a woman to do repairs around the house. If you needed your lawn mowed or wanted to landscape your yard, you hired a gardener. If you needed a room painted, you hired a painter. If you had a leaky faucet, you hired a plumber. There was no "doing it yourself"!! You called a professional PERIOD. One couldn't go to a Home Depot and get advice or be taught how to do a repair. Oh... just remembered. Home Depot has now branched in to Mexico so perhaps the "do it yourself" is not unheard of any more though the store may be there as a supplier to construction companies. (Will have to inquire on that.)
Anyways it was a marvel for my relatives visiting from Mexico to know that my mother leaned how to paint, put up wallpaper, patch up a whole on the wall, knew the difference between primer and paint and mowed her own lawn. At first I think they felt sorry for us. Thought we had fallen on hard times and could not afford to hire help. My mom explained how much more expensive labor is here in the States and that "everybody" did their own home maintenance. Unless you were super rich it was shameful to hire someone to do basic tasks. I don't think they believed her at first.
Well, back to my husband. He had been hiding behind the "I don't do repairs" disclosure for a while but this weekend I shamed him in to agreeing to do some "maintenance" to the house. HIS WORDS... "Shamed him"
When I voiced for the fifth time how I wanted something replaced around the house and he responded "I don't know how to do that". I responded back.. "Well, I saw on a website (Home Depot or Lowe's) a video on how to do it and it looks easy." To which he responded "you have shamed me in to doing it". Now, I was prepared to do the task myself!! I have been doing simple repairs at every place I've lived. My only reason for voicing AGAIN that I wanted something replaced was my way of giving my husband notice that I would be making an "out of budget" purchase at the hardware store.
Hmm now he's done it. If he thought he had a free pass on home repairs, I've got him now!! If I can do it, and am willing to give a go (no bluffing) he must certainly help with/do it. Perhaps the dream of restoring/remodeling an older home is still gone, but at least I can breath easy knowing that my pocket book won't suffer and the house won't fall on top of us out of lack of upkeep.
I learned how to do a few things around the house. Not from my father, he passed when I was just a little girl, but from my mother.
When I was a little girl my family lived in Mexico. We didn't move back to the states until I was 10 years old. In Mexico labor is cheap. All types of labor. It is a joke, but common knowledge that one does not need to be rich in order to have a maid. They say "Asta la criada tiene criada". Even the maid has a maid.
In Mexico it was rare for someone to do their own home maintenance (I don't know how things are now) , but what was totally unheard of was for a woman to do repairs around the house. If you needed your lawn mowed or wanted to landscape your yard, you hired a gardener. If you needed a room painted, you hired a painter. If you had a leaky faucet, you hired a plumber. There was no "doing it yourself"!! You called a professional PERIOD. One couldn't go to a Home Depot and get advice or be taught how to do a repair. Oh... just remembered. Home Depot has now branched in to Mexico so perhaps the "do it yourself" is not unheard of any more though the store may be there as a supplier to construction companies. (Will have to inquire on that.)
Anyways it was a marvel for my relatives visiting from Mexico to know that my mother leaned how to paint, put up wallpaper, patch up a whole on the wall, knew the difference between primer and paint and mowed her own lawn. At first I think they felt sorry for us. Thought we had fallen on hard times and could not afford to hire help. My mom explained how much more expensive labor is here in the States and that "everybody" did their own home maintenance. Unless you were super rich it was shameful to hire someone to do basic tasks. I don't think they believed her at first.
Well, back to my husband. He had been hiding behind the "I don't do repairs" disclosure for a while but this weekend I shamed him in to agreeing to do some "maintenance" to the house. HIS WORDS... "Shamed him"
When I voiced for the fifth time how I wanted something replaced around the house and he responded "I don't know how to do that". I responded back.. "Well, I saw on a website (Home Depot or Lowe's) a video on how to do it and it looks easy." To which he responded "you have shamed me in to doing it". Now, I was prepared to do the task myself!! I have been doing simple repairs at every place I've lived. My only reason for voicing AGAIN that I wanted something replaced was my way of giving my husband notice that I would be making an "out of budget" purchase at the hardware store.
Hmm now he's done it. If he thought he had a free pass on home repairs, I've got him now!! If I can do it, and am willing to give a go (no bluffing) he must certainly help with/do it. Perhaps the dream of restoring/remodeling an older home is still gone, but at least I can breath easy knowing that my pocket book won't suffer and the house won't fall on top of us out of lack of upkeep.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Battle in the kitchen...
There are a few things my husband and I just can't seem to agree on. The first battle we encountered when we moved in together that we are still arguing about now (and will probably disagree on for a while) is the dishwasher.
I am totally against using it! I have yet to "meet" a dishwasher that performs properly. The amount of work that goes in to rinsing, loading (strategically), unloading and most times rinsing again after a full cycle is much more trouble than doing dishes by hand.
We usually go round and around on this issue and for the most part I DO the dishes in our home. It may sound unfair, but we split the rest of the kitchen chores. My honey usually picks up the table, puts away the leftovers and dishes after they are washed. In the end cleaning the kitchen is still a team effort.
Despite both agreeing to disagree every now and then my husband insists on bringing up the issue. It is usually when I ask him to wash the dishes generated (by him only) while I am out of town or he is at home alone on a day off. Like most, he hates to wash dishes and wants to load them on the dishwasher. I don't see the point of wasting so much energy to run the washer when the number of dirty dishes created by one or two people are so little. The argument then moves to waiting until we have a full dishwasher?
I can go on and on about this mundane house chore, but I must confess. Every dishwasher that I've had either at an apartment or at home now I have not purchased myself and has usually been an "affordable" model that performs "moderately". Also, the fact that our pots and pans aren't dish washer safe and need to be hand washed anyway gives some weight to my side of the debate. What usually ends our argument is agreeing to one day splurge on a top of the line dishwasher. I just hope that it performs well and it doesn't end up being a waste of money. Until then I am sure this argument will come up again..
I am totally against using it! I have yet to "meet" a dishwasher that performs properly. The amount of work that goes in to rinsing, loading (strategically), unloading and most times rinsing again after a full cycle is much more trouble than doing dishes by hand.
We usually go round and around on this issue and for the most part I DO the dishes in our home. It may sound unfair, but we split the rest of the kitchen chores. My honey usually picks up the table, puts away the leftovers and dishes after they are washed. In the end cleaning the kitchen is still a team effort.
Despite both agreeing to disagree every now and then my husband insists on bringing up the issue. It is usually when I ask him to wash the dishes generated (by him only) while I am out of town or he is at home alone on a day off. Like most, he hates to wash dishes and wants to load them on the dishwasher. I don't see the point of wasting so much energy to run the washer when the number of dirty dishes created by one or two people are so little. The argument then moves to waiting until we have a full dishwasher?
I can go on and on about this mundane house chore, but I must confess. Every dishwasher that I've had either at an apartment or at home now I have not purchased myself and has usually been an "affordable" model that performs "moderately". Also, the fact that our pots and pans aren't dish washer safe and need to be hand washed anyway gives some weight to my side of the debate. What usually ends our argument is agreeing to one day splurge on a top of the line dishwasher. I just hope that it performs well and it doesn't end up being a waste of money. Until then I am sure this argument will come up again..
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Things to celebrate…
There are things I remember that are trivial and there are important things I can’t recall if my life depended on it. Some of the things I tend to forget are a few “anniversary” dates. I never was the type to celebrate what to me were insignificant dates, but to many (especially women) are so meaningful. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the biggies but I have found ridiculous the people who would make a big deal over monthly anniversaries and expect a big celebration each month. I celebrated that way when I was a teen, but a month in teen years is equivalent to dog years.
Anyway, I admit that every now and then it dawns on me how time has passed. On Monday, for example I mentioned to my husband that this weekend would be four years that we’ve known each other. I didn’t remember, I read it on a calendar that was close to being two months behind. We met online, but our first real meeting was on this date.
We celebrated our first year. I honestly can’t remember if he gave me flowers or not, but the thing I do remember of that first year was the gift he gave me that melted my heart. He printed every email we wrote to each other prior to our meeting (two, maybe three weeks—I can’t remember that either), and you know what?? Every single thing he said about himself was true. I asked him then if the same was for what I had shared about myself and he said it was.
I don’t recall what we did to celebrate the other years. Other dates became more important and took the honor of being remembered & celebrated. The date we met to the day we moved in together, and later to the date we married… It isn’t lack of romance, but when you celebrate every day in some small way how lucky you feel to have found that person who understands you, your “language” and the way things process in your brain life becomes one big celebration. It could be because I found my match so late in life that I appreciate him so much, or it could be because he is so perfect: Not a perfect man, just perfect FOR ME that I don’t wait around for dates to come around! It makes the not remembering thing easier to live with.
Today I will celebrate somehow having met my husband. Probably by smiling back at those first awkward moments and thanking him again for not being scared of the jibber jabber woman who was so nervous she could not stop talking!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Weight and marriage...
It is assumed (still in the Hispanic culture) that a man will gain weight with marriage. The assumption is that husbands will be getting better meals at home much different than the “take out” they would eat as bachelors. My fist issue with this cultural thought is that men are believed to be incapable of doing their own cooking. I know a large number of men that are far better cooks than their wives! Another thing is that the men that I know who like good food have no problem paying for a good meal at a restaurant and would turn their nose at the usual definition of "take out".
My other issues are: What if the wife they marry doesn’t cook? What if the wife they marry has a demanding job that doesn’t allow for elaborate meals? What if husbands are eating healthier meals after marriage? I personally haven’t met a newly married man who has gained weight because he was getting better meals at home. Most of the married men I know have two income households so their wives aren't waiting at home with dinner on the table.
What about women? I for one have gained a few pounds as opposed to my husband. Besides the not buckling down and fitting time for regular exercise between my long hours at work, my long commute and my rush to come home to cook dinner so we can eat before 8 p.m. I am actually eating full meals and have gained weight.
When I was single cooking happened only when I had guests. I would host family dinners (Easter, or some other holiday) and gatherings with friends. Those were the only times I would cook. On the average day my meals at home consisted of salads, PB & J sandwiches, steamed white rice and canned tuna. My meals were simple, quick/painless and would keep me from actually turning on the stove. The thought of not wanting to generate more heat in the already hot South Texas was understandable. It wasn't that I didn't like to cook, I enjoy it very much but I associate good food with having others around to share the meal.
Now dinner is part of the little time during the week I get to spend (awake) at home with my husband. HE has lost weight ! Not because of bad cooking but because I try my best to cook more healthy meals (than he was used to) and fight him on the junk food that enters our house. I have gained! I am eating more than before! It's kind of hard to just have salad when there is a yummy main dish waiting to be savored.
We cook most weeknights and even have left overs for lunch. Before marriage, leftovers were what I took home after eating at a restaurant! I have to admit that I really like having a reason to cook. I have always enjoyed it, but cooking for one felt the effort that goes in to it was wasted if it could not be shared. I am glad my husband doesn't expect dinner on the table when he arrives from work. Whoever arrives first usually gets dinner started and for the most part, we enjoy being in the kitchen together.
Now for weight and MY MARRIAGE. I could also blame it to being a little older and having a harder time keeping extra weight off. I could, but who I am kidding? I am a foodie, I like to eat and being married has given me a reason to try out new recipes. Thank goodness my husband doesn't mind being my ginnie pig. As long as he is fed HE is happy.
My other issues are: What if the wife they marry doesn’t cook? What if the wife they marry has a demanding job that doesn’t allow for elaborate meals? What if husbands are eating healthier meals after marriage? I personally haven’t met a newly married man who has gained weight because he was getting better meals at home. Most of the married men I know have two income households so their wives aren't waiting at home with dinner on the table.
What about women? I for one have gained a few pounds as opposed to my husband. Besides the not buckling down and fitting time for regular exercise between my long hours at work, my long commute and my rush to come home to cook dinner so we can eat before 8 p.m. I am actually eating full meals and have gained weight.
When I was single cooking happened only when I had guests. I would host family dinners (Easter, or some other holiday) and gatherings with friends. Those were the only times I would cook. On the average day my meals at home consisted of salads, PB & J sandwiches, steamed white rice and canned tuna. My meals were simple, quick/painless and would keep me from actually turning on the stove. The thought of not wanting to generate more heat in the already hot South Texas was understandable. It wasn't that I didn't like to cook, I enjoy it very much but I associate good food with having others around to share the meal.
Now dinner is part of the little time during the week I get to spend (awake) at home with my husband. HE has lost weight ! Not because of bad cooking but because I try my best to cook more healthy meals (than he was used to) and fight him on the junk food that enters our house. I have gained! I am eating more than before! It's kind of hard to just have salad when there is a yummy main dish waiting to be savored.
We cook most weeknights and even have left overs for lunch. Before marriage, leftovers were what I took home after eating at a restaurant! I have to admit that I really like having a reason to cook. I have always enjoyed it, but cooking for one felt the effort that goes in to it was wasted if it could not be shared. I am glad my husband doesn't expect dinner on the table when he arrives from work. Whoever arrives first usually gets dinner started and for the most part, we enjoy being in the kitchen together.
Now for weight and MY MARRIAGE. I could also blame it to being a little older and having a harder time keeping extra weight off. I could, but who I am kidding? I am a foodie, I like to eat and being married has given me a reason to try out new recipes. Thank goodness my husband doesn't mind being my ginnie pig. As long as he is fed HE is happy.
Monday, August 22, 2011
My dysfunctions…
When you are young and about to marry, people usually warn you about getting used to your mate’s habits. Does he put the cap back on the tooth paste? Will he remember to put the toilet seat down? Things like that, but when you are older.. No one warns you on it. It is assumed you are old enough to know these things.
I wished the good meaning people who advise the young would also take time to advice the “not so young”. The advice I would give an “older newlywed” would be: Speak out! If there are things that bug you from the beginning they will bug you more later on when you aren’t seeing life thru pink colored glass. (This piece of advice is very popular)
The other piece of advice I would give (and most important) is.. Some of the things that may bug you may be YOUR DYSFUCTION and not something your poor mate should be fussed over.
After living alone for so long a person develops his/her own system or way of doing things. Having a mate come in who does things a bit different may bother you but if it drives you insane, then “baby THAT is your DYSFUNCTION”. If the end result is the same and you are still irritated YOU have the problem and shouldn’t freak out on your mate!
Folding laundry IS my dysfunction. I fold socks and underwear differently than my husband. At first it bugged me a lot, but I realized (big light bulb moment) that he was a forty something with his own quirks. I could not expect him to change because of my ridiculous habits! It also dawned on me that I should be happy he even folds laundry (but mostly when asked) when friends are complaining about doing it all ALWAYS!!
I had to come to terms that if I AM folding laundry that week it will get done MY WAY, if he is... Well, he can have his drawers however he wants! I just have to be thankful he participates in doing our house chores as I am REFOLDING my garments.
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